Stalled Growth

When I woke up this morning, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was already dead. I felt sad and filled with despair. Sinking into another depression isn't an option. I'm working hard to keep that from happening. But right now I'm not sure what will happen.

My spiritual growth has stalled over the past few weeks and months. And I'm not sure why I'm still here. 

And That's Another Post

Why is it that I still have such a piercing fear in the pit of my stomach? It's there everyday—even though I work hard at personal and spiritual enlightenment. I know that continuing to hold onto to this fear is my choice. I read and educate myself at every opportunity. I pray and meditate. I know God loves me and I am a child of God. I believe in that philosophy wholeheartedly—even if I don't go to church. (And that's another post—so let it go for now.)

I believe that God is love and Jesus Christ is the embodiment of that love. I believe that the way to God is through love—those who have shown this way include Jesus Christ, Buddha, Krishna, Muhammed, and others. I believe we are all talking about the same thing.

I believe that we are all connected. I believe that the saying "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," means to feel the connectedness of our souls and that we all come from the someplace. What's on the outside—an person's exterior persona—may not really show his or her best foot. But inside, somewhere is a soul. And that soul wants to same things your soul wants. To connect to God. And, too, that person who may not seem so worthy to you wants love and understanding. That's the best I can explain right now. But I think you get it. If not, I'l try to explain sometime later when I have better words.

It's funny. The more I write, the less fear I feel. I think you have to let go of what you fear people will think of you—especially when you're making a spiritual declaration.

Fear has been such an ongoing obstacle in my life. I've had times when I've been frozen in fear. I couldn't do anything—even talk to anyone. Fear was always in the way. I've always been afraid of what other people think of me. I'm not good enough. I'm too fat. I'm ugly. But there's always been another side of that coin. I knew that I wasn't stupid. I knew that I could do more than I was doing. And there have been times that I did do more. And that's another blog post, too.

Blogger is screwing up right now. So I'm going to post this, and come back later. Sorry.

It's Time to Wake Up

The love of God fills you everyday.

When I started this blog, I had dreams of telling everyone about how my quest for spirituality had changed my life. Then fear set in. Fear that people make fun of me, argue with me, and just "not get it." Then I realized that's what fear does. It keeps you from moving forward in your life. It keeps you from shouting from the rooftops about how free spirituality can make you feel. What I've decided is that I can't hold back. I have to come clean.

So here's the truth—I am a spiritual person. I believe in God, but not necessarily religion. I believe God is love. And the way to get to God is through love. I believe our souls are always connected to God, but our ego prevents us from hearing Him and feeling Him. I believe that many religious people think they have all the answers, but aren't even close to what God truly is or how to bring Him into their lives. For example, if you go to church every Sunday, but are still bothered by how someone else chooses to find God in his or life, you may need to get yourself a Red Letter version of the Bible and read all of the "And Jesus said unto them" parts out loud to yourself. No, it is not my place to judge you. And it is certainly not your place to judge me. But I digress.

What I have found that rings true for me is that my soul has been screaming to be heard, and I can't keep ignoring it. Eckhart Tolle said we must start living in the present. I have been guilty of living in the past and future almost everyday. It's rare that I live for right now. I'm changing that.

I learned that my life is my perception. It's what I make of it. I have to shake myself awake.

There's so much that I have get myself organized to really tell you how far I've come in my own journey. This is just the beginning.

Poor Bunny

I was trying to draw a happy little bunny. Instead I drew a bunny that's quaking in his boots--if he were wearing boots. But that's not the point. He looks scared. I thought: What if I can only draw creatures filled with fear?

The face in the corner looks like Felix the cat--another drawing that isn't quite what it ought to be. But then again, are any of us what we ought to be? Huh?

The Impact of the Mustard Seed

If you have the faith of mustard, you can move mountains. 

Today, on the way to work, something a little odd happened. I have a couple of charms hanging from my rear view mirror. One is an angel a friend gave me as a gift. Another is a a piece of yellow jade that I received as gift from a company for making a purchase. And the third thing I have is a crystal ball with a single mustard seed inside it—this one is especially meaningful because it was my Mother's.

I can remember the charm even as a child and my mother explaining the significance of the mustard seed. You know, if you have the faith of a single mustard inside you, you can move mountains. Well, when she died, I found the charm in a box of her things, and I've carried it with me ever since. There were times when I forgot I had—or thought I'd lost it—only to have it turn up time and again. Every time I see it I think of my mother.

Anyway, to preface why this morning's event had any kind meaning to me let me explain that lately I've been feeling lousy. I've wondered how I can get out of debt, lose all this weight, and feel human again. My husband died more than seven years ago, and since his death I've been just walking through life thinking that there wasn't anything left for here—and not understanding why I was still here. I've been frozen in the same state for years. And I've really made little effort to go beyond anything else.

Over the last six months or so, I've sort of come back to life—a little. But I'm still plagued by the mistakes I've made in these past seven years, too. No thinking much of myself, I tried make everyone else happy. I went overboard in the things I did for them. Way overboard. I dug myself a very deep hole filled with debt and doubt in myself. Here's the kicker to it all—anyone I ever did anything for now takes me for granted and thinks I will always be there to get them out of whatever mess they've gotten themselves into. But I digress. . . .

Now I want to live again—kind of like Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life." And I, too, am worth more dead than alive. So where am I going with this?

Lately I've asking for help. Is there anyone out there? Does anyone even know I'm here? God, please show mw the way. I've asked for signs—and until this morning I just wasn't sure if anything that I thought might be a sign, well, really was. So what happened already?

This morning, the mustard seed containing crystal flew off of its chain and across the car, making a loud bang as it hit the dashboard and then the floor—just missing my head as it went hurling by. The chain was broken. Now you may think that this isn't so strange or unusual. You may even find it lackluster and feeble. But here's the thing—it was significant to me. That belonged to my Mother, and every time I see it I think of her. I remember what she told me about the meaning of the mustard seed. And I know that what happened was a sign from her to remember what she said and to know that she is always with me.

You see, even though the crystal hangs from my rear view mirror, I hadn't thought about it for a while. I didn't pay attention to it. I was forced to think about it and remember its meaning this morning when it almost beaned me as it went flying through my car. And it made an impact—without beaning me of course. it remember its meaning. And I remember my Mother. 

Maybe It's a Skunk?

Last night I dreamed that I was trying to get a bunch of snapping turtles out from under a table in my house. I removed four of them by just grabbing them from behind so they couldn't snap my finger off and I left a fifth one under the table. I put them out of the window. This seemed to work OK—although some people who were with me didn't think that would get rid of the turtles. I said I didn't want to kill them, I just wanted them out of my house. 

Then someone said that I needed to help them with one of the turtles, but it turned out to look more like a cat that a snapping turtle. Then I became even more wary of it because I thought it might be a skunk. 

Then I saw it full on, and it looked like a cat. But appearances can be deceiving. So I didn’t trust it. This is pretty much where I woke up. I think I know what this means. Thoughts?

Dreaming of a Haunted House

I've been having a recurring dream of a haunted house. In the dream, Al—my late husband—is often with me. I have a vague recollection that Al is dead, but he's appears to be alive in my dream. When I get him to go the haunted house with me, the ghost inside tries to possess Al. Sometimes it's successful.

I found this photo on the web and it looks a lot like my dream haunted house. 

I can see the ghost when I look in the mirror, but when I look around the rooms I cannot. I scream at him that I am not afraid of him. And in the dream, I'm not afraid.

The house is almost always the same house, but each time I have this dream, the house is in better and better repair. The last time I dreamed of it, the house was almost completely remodeled and looking quite nice. In earlier dreams, the house was in the woods and quite run down. It was surrounded by vegetation that needed to be removed and the inside was pretty bleak. In the most current dreams,  overgrown foliage is cut back, the driveway has been redone, and the inside is completely remodeled. But it's still haunted.

In this latest dream, I tell Al, "Look there's the haunted house I told you about." He almost never comments on it. He just follows me.

When we encounter the ghost, I can see him in the mirror and he's saying something to me. I scream at him that I am not afraid of him—and it's a "him" most certainly.

At the end of the last dream, I was awakened by a voice almost grumbling in my left ear that said, "Go to the left, go to the left, go to left." On third "go to the left," I woke up. I thought maybe I was making some kind of weird noise while I was asleep and my mind just interpreted it to be saying "go to the left."

I don't know what "go to the left" means other than to take a direction that I wouldn't normally take. Anyway, that's my haunted house dream. I've heard that haunted house dreams are pretty similar. What do you think?